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My Beautiful-Anti Love Machine

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

7:49PM - christ on a cracker

brief update:



my last entry said somethin about suicide, i think.
yeah i'm suicidal at times. or at least i was.

within the last few weeks i've really come together as a person.

i have a really great job.
things are surprisingly well with my parents.
school is going to be both fast AND easy.
my homies seriously rock.
new speakers in my car.
just got my tax return.

yeah things are going rather well for me.i'm a little shocked, but i'm very pleased with it. i'm really happy.

as far as health wise, i've been a little under the weather, but i'm every so slightly kickin this damn cold, hehe.

so yeah, i don't really have much else to say.

saturday i'm gettin another tatt.
goin crazy shoppin on sunday wit the madre.
i feel kinda bad for tj cuz it turns out he broke his hand, heheh. stupid drunks always break themselves. but yehh it's :/ he's gotten a lil cuter in the last month or so. it's like a fungus how he's grown on me, heh. it's cool tho. i can dig.

i talked to shrimp a few days ago, but not since. i had too many plans that day so i was kinda flakey.

i've been on prozac nearing 2 months now. and i'm only a week behind on it so yup. go me.

i'm still goin to vegas for my birthday.
even more people might be going now than before. it's nuts. i kinda wanna take a train, but nahhhhhhh. i make bank, i could fly there $75 no problem, and still have over $400 to gamble wit. hehe. i <3 me.

let's see...
i hang out with my fam most of the time (cuz i live in their house. hah) then, i hang out wit tj sometimes, al, aaron, nyhia, g, stac, and i can't really think right now. i guess i chill with everyone, hehe. i'm super cool that way.

yeah well internet is boring when you're not doin html coding...
so off i go.
love ya!!

have a beautifully gray day.<3

(1 scar |slit my wrists)

Friday, April 21, 2006

2:33PM - i'm not the only one

i went to trav's house last night. jus cuz. we had a sort of 'outs' the other day. drama from ex-girlfriends & that. i guess faye still gives him shit about chillin wit me. oh well.

"shopped", went back after certain peep dropped off/ picked up car.

i had a pleasant time. we sat in the backyard and talked about their plans to fix it up. we drank a bit. smoked cigs. the usual. very casual.

trav played some pretty chill music and that's basically all we really did. eventually nelson and jeff's brother left, and we went to sleep. didn't get much sleep before work today though. now i'm super tired. we probably didn't actually go to sleep til about a lil after 2am. then i had to get up at 5 to drive home, get clothes, and come to work...

so basically the next time we do that kind of sleepover thing, i just need to seriously bring work clothes & common shit if i'm stayin on a week night. that & sleep. yes sleep. and a back massage. bah.

i can't believe i have to go out to simi again today. i left my shirt and some of my other shit at his house this morning. but yehh i dunno when he'll be back anyway. i jus wanna sleep, hehehe. but yehh, plus i gotta pick up my check from volt and drop off my time card. BAH!

so yeah...

talked to jeeter last night. he called mid-wait when i was chillin wit my dad for a minute before goin back to travs. he's gonna go wit me to get my tattoo next weekend(not this) that should be fun.

oh and
I SUPER LOVE LUCAS!!


blah blah yeah that's pretty much everything that's goin on.
life's pretty good and i'm rather happy so yup.


that's really all there is to say.

(slit my wrists)

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

8:51PM - ruin

when you can't get what you want,
i guess it's best just to fuck things up for other people...

right?


whatever.

i haven't even cried once since this shit happened.
trust me it's not like i don't care b/c i do...
but there's something i can't explain about the situation that i'm sure noone else would even understand.


i wish i hadn't done what i have. and i can't tell you how many times i wished i could go back and change the past, but i can't.

i was trying to forget some things. trying to get past them and move forward with my life. but i guess i was just kidding myself.

at least now i know i never should have trusted mike with my life.
he's all too eager to kill me.

it seems evident what my reaction is going to be.
things are too calm now to deny what i know is just beneath the skin.
things are too calm to deny what is going to be done.

i'm in complete disbelief.

i never in a hundred years thought he would try to fuck up everything good in my life. i never thought that loving him and giving a damn would cost me so much.

i didn't take him for the kind of person that would try to fuck up my life.
but he did.

he did it so perfectly that i have to give him props.

i'm just totally fucked.

there is no getting past it.

there is no point b.

he took everything from me.
and doesn't give the slightest fuck.

i just...

i can't further explain. i can't go on and on and on about how i feel. about how badly he's fucked shit for me, or about how i never, not fucking ever, thought it would come to this.

i never thought he'd do this to me.
i thought i'd spend the rest of my life with him.

ha.
mm.

he got what he wanted.
he has the slightest of chances to get back with her now...
especially with her hating her ex for all this...
her hating me for it.
but i deserve it i guess. i shouldn't have done what i did. i shouldn't have let it happen, no matter how inebriated i was. it's not an excuse.
but he got what he wanted.
he has her all to himself now.

i don't even come into play... i don't exist unless they're all calling me "white pride" or a slut... talking shit and whatnots.



it's sad how you could love someone so much
and they just fucking kill you left and right
any fucking way they can
just to make your life a living hell...


well...
it's over now.
there is no more.
i'm not willing to try.
i'm not going to cope.
i refuse to live thru it.
and i wont get over it.
there's nothing to get over... there's no moving beyond this point. there is no tomorrow. we wont forgive and forget. i don't deserve a second chance.
i'm just not doing this anymore.

sorry.
i'm just a weaker person than i had thought.
i belong in hell with the other sinful minds.
i'm just not going to do this anymore.
i don't want to.

now maybe if you look back over all these years,
you'll understand.

so that's all i really wanted to say.
just goodbye.

Current mood: suicidal

(1 scar |slit my wrists)

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